The Joke's On You
by Metropolis Kid
Summary: I wanted to do something special for Halloween this year. So, I decided to have the Joker's ghost terrorize those sparkly vampire fakers out in Forks. Two-shot. Warning: First chapter's fairly tame, but the second contains light torture & character death
1. The Kidnapping

**The Joke's On You**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any material contained within this story. All copyrighted content remains the property of the person, people, or organization that holds the copyright. This story is solely for fun.

**Warning:** This two-shot will contain both torture references AND character death. If either of these things bother you, turn back now.

* * *

**Chapter 1: The Kidnapping**

It was a peaceful evening, for Halloween at least. The children were out trick-or-treating. Various witches, goblins, demons, vampires and fictional characters ran from house to house while adults stood by and kept a careful watch over their young charges.

One particular adult's watch was slightly closer than seemed proper, causing the other adults who saw him to pause and carefully steer their own children away from the twenty-something-year-old escorting the young girl in the fairy-princess costume.

Of course Jacob didn't mind the shunning. Renesmee was enjoying herself, and that was all that mattered. If the rest of the adults saw fit to judge him for what (to him) seemed only natural, what difference did it make? He had his 'Nessie', and that was enough as far as he was concerned. And so the two traveled, practically alone (save for each other), from house to house; however, as they finished with their current street and started towards another, something unexpected happened.

A clown came out from behind one of the houses and ran up to the two. Unlike most of the other people in costume, this clown's didn't seem the least bit scary. His face was up – locked in a broad, happy smile – and painted in bright colors. His clothes matched; and the big red nose and rubber shoes, which let out little squeaks as he walked, combined to project the image of a happy-go-lucky circus clown... rather than the, perhaps more fitting for Halloween, image of Stephen King's "It".

The clown reached up and squeezed his red nose, producing a funny, honking sound; and Renesmee couldn't help but giggle. Jacob, however, didn't look nearly as amused as he just stood there, arms across his chest, and regarded the clown with a tolerate but annoyed expression.

The clown's lips fell into a frown, though one would've had to be looking closely to see this since the painted grin remained plastered across his face. Then, a brief second later, his lips curled upward once more; and his eyes shot open in a kind of "Aha!" expression. The clown reached into his pocket and pulled out a balloon, then he proceeded to blow it up and twist the long prop into the shape of a dog.

Renesmee laughed at the irony as the clown handed this doggy balloon animal to Jacob, but the shape-shifter's left eyebrow only arched into a curious expression. Then, the balloon popped in his hand, releasing a strange, green gas into the air around him. Suddenly, Jacob's lips pulled upward. His mouth opened, and he began to laugh.

At first Renesmee was pleased to see that her temporary guardian wasn't being such a stick in the mud anymore. However, her joy soon turned to concern as Jacobs laughter only grew louder and louder. Finally, the shape-shifter couldn't take it anymore; he doubled over and fell to the ground, deep in the throws of an uncontrollable glee from which there seemed to be no escape.

Renesmee squattered down next to him, a fear filled expression plain on her face as she pleaded with him to stop laughing. Ah, but such a thing proved to be quite impossible; and as the young, half-vampire looked back up at the clown she noticed that his happy, silly image had shifted ever so slightly.

He leaned down, bringing their faces level, and then the young girl noticed something else. The clown's makeup had faded somewhat; and horribly disfiguring scars were now apparent, running from both sides of his lips up and into his cheeks.

"Hey, now, little girl, don't cry" the clown cooed in mock sympathetic tone. Then his eyes sparkled with malicious glee as he grabbed her small hand and continued in a much deeper, ominous sounding voice. "We're going to have _lots_ of fun tonight."

* * *

In the northern area of Forks, rested a youth center for underprivileged and/or troubled teens. And every year on Halloween this youth center played host to a costume party. It was a sort of volunteer, charity event where 'at risk' teens could gather and enjoy a safe, lawful Halloween get-together.

Of course, every year that Esme spent in Forks, since the founding of the youth center, she volunteered to bake up all sorts of treats for the Halloween party. Such was not a strange thing since she also volunteered her services for many of their other holiday get-togethers.

It was a mutually beneficial arrangement. It helped take some of the load off of the centers more regular, day to day and weekly, volunteers, freeing them up for other things. And Esme got to have the joy and satisfaction of having her baking skills appreciated by dozens of kids, a welcome pay off since her own 'children' were all vampires and completely incapable of enjoying their 'mother's' cooking talent. Yes, since Bela's turning, there was no one -- save the 'granddaughter', the vampire/human halfbreed – left at home to enjoy the 'super-mom's' cooking; and her volunteer work gave her a sense of fulfillment that she could not get at home.

Of course, this year was a little different. Normally Esme volunteered alone, but this year she'd been able to talk Bella into coming with her. It was to be a fun, little mother and (new) daughter bonding experience.

However, Bella found herself having very little fun. Although Esme was an absolute dear in any other setting, as the two labored in the youth center's large kitchen area, Bella was quickly discovering that her new mother was an over-demanding Nazi when it came to what she considered to be _her_ domain.

Poor Bella had spent most of the night so far running around like a chicken with her head chopped off, trying to stay out of Esme's way as she did her best to follow the orders her mother constantly barked out. No, poor Bella wasn't having very much fun – no, not at all. In fact, she wished that she'd taken Renesmee trick-or-treating herself, rather than entrusting the job to Jacob. Little did the girl know that her night was about to get far, far worse.

At that moment a ragged and bloodied figure burst into the kitchen area. He was panting and looked rather like he'd just tried to make love to a Mack-truck. Given the man's impressive physical strength, Bella automatically assumed that he'd either just been in a fight with several dozen men... or had run a foul some supernatural force – most likely an 'evil' vampire.

"Jacob, wh-what's happened to you?!" Bella exclaimed and soon found that, although bloodied, beaten and exhausted, the shape-shifter's sense of humor seemed completely intact. In fact, he appeared jollier than she'd ever known him to be in the past.

"B-Bella," Jacob started, struggling to stifle his laughter. "We... We need to," he continued before a short fit of chuckling interrupted him. Jacob's face then morphed into a strange expression that looked half-way between a smile and a scowl. He inhaled sharply and then spit the next words out as quickly as he could, hoping that he'd be able to finish before the laughter over took him once more.

"Bella, he took her; he took Nessie!" the shape-shifter just barely managed to choke out before he was seized by another bout of laughter.

"Jacob?" Esme gasped, finally pausing her frantic kitchen work. "That's not funny. You shouldn't joke about something like that," she continued sternly.

Jacob's face twisted once more, and he grabbed Bella firmly by her shoulders. Doing his best to remain steady, he locked eyes with her and forcefully stated. "I'm not joking." Then his lower lip trembled and he erupted into another chorus of laughter.

But the look in his eyes, coupled with his disheveled appearance and the fact that Renesmee was not with him, was enough to convince Bella that, whatever insanity had gripped the shape-shifter, he was being truthful about her daughter. The girl's arms shot out and she violently shook the laughing wolf-boy, trying to snap him back to the real world long enough to find out exactly what was going on.

"What do you mean? _Who_ took her?! When?! Why?!"

"It... it was that clown."

"Clown?"

"The one who... who did this to me. He poisoned me. S-some kind of gas. And... and, while I was down, he danced around me," – Jacob began but found himself unable to hold in the still lingering effects of the strange gas. He laughed and chuckled and grinned the whole rest of the way through his exposition. -- "kicking me and singing 'Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?'. Then, after beating me up, he... he told me to tell you that, if you wanted him to let your daughter go, you had to meet him at the old, abandoned warehouse on the edge of town. And that if you didn't show up... or he saw anyone else, he'd kill Nessie!"

The two women listened with horrified looks on their faces. Then – when Jacob was done recapping the events of Renesmee's capture and finally let himself drop to the floor, grab his gut and slip into a long fit of laughter, chuckling and giggling – Esme turned to Bella and said, "You've gotta tell Edward."

"NO!" Jacob shouted through his forced glee. "You can't; he'll _kill_ her."

There were tears in the young man's eyes, and Bella wasn't sure if they were from his roaring laughter or caused by the thought of losing the one he'd imprinted on. Perhaps it was a little of both. Either way, Bella knew that the man's concern was genuine. He truly believed Renesmee would die unless she went to the warehouse and went alone.

And so, Bella's powers of reasoning retaining their usual strength, she decided that her only option was to trust the clown, she'd never even met, to honor his word and release her daughter if she turned herself over. "He's right. I'll go... alone."

"But-"

"Please, Esme, trust me. I have to do what's best for my daughter."

"And I have to do what's best for mine," Esme retorted.

And, for the first time that night, Bella did feel some bonding with her knew mother. She half-smiled, but the current situation quickly drove the expression from her face. "Thank you, Esme. But I can take care of myself. I'm... one of you now, remember? And... and we can't take a chance on that psycho hurting Renesmee. If he did that to Jacob," – with a wave of her hand, Bella indicated the hysterical shape-shifter –"he's capable of anything. And I need to do everything I can to keep him from hurting Renesmee." Any more than he already has, the girl added within the safety of her own, private mind. "Please, just take Jacob to Carlisle and see what your husband can do for him."

There was a pause as Esme bit her lip. She didn't like the situation, didn't like it one bit. And she thought Bella rather fool hardy for being willing to face this apparently mad clown on her own. But, finally she nodded her head in acceptance. It was her daughter's life after all, and she knew that Bella would never forgive her if Renesmee ended up dying as a result of her insistence on involving Edward.

* * *

(Next chapter should be up either this weekend... or sometime next Wednesday. Happy Halloween, and God bless.

Metropolis Kid.)


	2. Joker's Game

**The Joke's On You**

**Warning:** This second chapter contains both torture references AND character death. If either of these things bother you, turn back now.

* * *

**Chapter 2: Joker's Game**

The warehouse was dark, eerie. Windows had been busted. A deserted truck sat motionless in front of the loading bay, and no matter what direction Bella turned her enhanced senses to, no signs of human life greeted her. And, suddenly it dawned on the girl that this time she was quite alone.

Still the young mother pressed onward, into the darkened warehouse. "H-Hello?" she spoke timidly. And then, finding her courage, Bella continued more loudly, "Is anyone here?!"

"Are you alone?" a disembodied voice returned.

"Yes."

Suddenly a single over-head light turned on, illuminating a figure bound in chains and dangling above a large vat. "Sulphuric acid – enough to melt through even your kind's stone-like skin..." the voice whispered within Bella's ear as a presence pressed itself against her body, causing a cold shiver to run down her spine.

"Isn't it amazing what one can cook up using nothing but simple house hold cleaners?" the voice continued almost gleefully, a slight edge of pride tinging its tone.

Bella quickly spun on her heel, however as she turned, she discovered nothing but empty air behind her. A confused expression based over Bella's face, but then she heard the voice again. "Looking for me?" Turning around once more, the girl saw a mangy looking 'man' hovering next to the chained up figure.

The man's hair was long, unkempt and... green. He wore a purple suit, and had a face so pale that, even in the darkness, Bella felt sure it had been painted white. Yet, the man's most distinctive feature was not his suit, nor his painted face, it was the horrible disfiguring scars that ran up both side of his mouth.

"Wh-what are you?" the girl exclaimed in a mixture of shock and revulsion.

"Me?" the man replied as he pointed to himself. "Why, just the restless spirit of a pitiful clown, of course. Though, I am sometimes called... The Joker."

"Such a pretty, young thing you have here," the ghost continued as it ran a hand through the chained figure's hair, drawing out a soft, fearful whine. "Shame on you for letting her go out with that pedophilia wolf-boy. Don't you care about her at all?"

"Y-You, Monster! What have you done to her?!"

"Why nothing obscene, I assure you. Of course the little one wouldn't stop crying, and I had to do something about that. I simply can't stand an unhappy child. Come on, Nessie, chin up and lets show mommy your smile." So saying, the ghost tilted up the chained girl's face to reveal deep gouges running from the ends of her lips up and into her cheeks. "See? She's much happier now."

"You... you horrible man!"

The Joker laughed. "Really? Horrible man? Come on, is that the best you can do? I've been called far worse than that, Toots."

Enraged, Bella leapt at the figure, but she simply passed right through and fell back to the ground on the other side.

"A bit dull, aren't you? Didn't you hear me say I was a spirit? I can allow solid objects to pass right through me. Of course... I can also project my energy and form solid shapes as well." As if to prove his point, the grinning maniac turned the chain suspending Renesmee above the acid, formed a small knife and held it to her throat. She whimpered and twisted slightly as he slowly traced it from side to side, the ethereal blade cutting ever so slightly through the child's olive skin, leaving a faint, red trail as it went.

"So... no more funny business from you," the clown cooed as he moved the knife to his mouth and licked the blood from the blade. "That's _my_ job."

Bella wept, and could feel her heart breaking as she realized that this terrible, psychotic spirit held all the cards. She nodded submissively then tilted her head back up at the pair. "Please, I came alone, as you asked. Just... just let my daughter go."

"Oh, would that I could, Sweets. Would that I could. But you see THAT decision isn't mine to make. That depends entirely on her parent. Now, close your eyes, and hold still."

Bella hesitated, but then the ghost grabbed her daughter's hair and jerked it, causing the child to whelp in pain. In an instant, the knife was back at her throat. "Do, as I say, or she dies... NOW!"

Bella nodded once more and closed her eyes. Then she felt metal being wrapped around her, and her body being lifted from the ground. A few minutes later, she was given permission to open her eyes once more; and when she did, she found herself suspended above a second vat of chemicals.

Bella watched in fascinated horror as the ghost, unhooked the anchoring end of Renesmee's suspension chain and linked it to Bella's. Now, they were both each other's counter balance. And then, suddenly, the Joker was hovering beside her once more. "There now. Of course, with you're enhanced strength you could snap those chains; but even if you managed to angle your fall to avoid _your_ vat, you'd be killing your daughter."

"But... but you said you'd let her go if I did what you wanted."

"Oh, dear me..." the Joker's face fell into a mock frown. "Is that what you thought? No, I said the choice was her parent's – how self centered you must be to think I could only mean you."

"B-But if not me, then... Edward!" Bella exclaimed, realization dawning on her.

"And give the girl a prize," the Joker replied in a grandiose, over-the-top tone.

"But... Why?"

"Why? For love of course."

"Love?"

"Oh, does that surprise you, that one such as I could still love? Does a ghost lack a heart... metaphorically speaking, I mean. Am I not able to be moved by long, flowing hair, fiery blue eyes, soft, exotic skin... Oh, and if you could've heard her laugh*..." the ghost replied, actually sounding wistful.

"But... but what does love have to do with this?"

The Joker stared hard, eyes a light with barely constrained rage, at his captive. "SHE rejected me! She had her servant banish me... even after I saved her from an idiotic, psycho mantis*. Banished, I could do nothing but drift through the world, an impotent observer, unable to interact with anyone in the land of the living."

"And then," he growled, "And then I saw you... you and him – all lovey-dovey in your perfect little world, your story book romance that has no place in _this_ world. You mocked me, mocked all those who suffer the pain of love lost. You think you deserve it? You DO _NOT_! And now, now you will pay.

"I've been watching you for nine months now, just waiting for tonight, waiting for Halloween when the boundaries between worlds blur and all of Earth becomes a nexus for spiritual energy. We ghosts are given one night each year to roam free. Many use this as an opportunity to make amends for what they did in life, or to say goodbye to lost loved ones. But *I*... You should consider yourself honored, for I am using my one free night this year to kill what you hold most dear!" The monstrous apparition finished with a whisperer into the girl's ear. "I am going to make you hate him."

Bella's eyes widened. "I could never hate Edward!"

"Really?" the Joker responded as his lips pulled into a sick smirk. "We shall see... we shall see.

"I'm sure your bo' has already read that pedo-wolf's mind. He'll be here soon. But, until then... Wanna know how I got these scars?"

* * *

As soon as Edward found out what was going on, he rushed to the abandoned warehouse, intent on saving his wife and child and grinding the psychotic clown's face into the tar. Of course, prideful Edward didn't bother to ask any of his 'brothers' or 'sisters' for their help. After all it was only one, miserable psycho, and Edward was more than confident he could take that bastard out on his own.

However, as Edward entered the warehouse, the confidence did somewhat drain from his face, as confusion and a strange out of place feeling filled him. The two girls he loved most in the world were bound and suspended with chains. And in between them a very bizarre looking creature hovered, as he sat cross legged and plucked the strings of a glowing guitar.

"And that's why you never open a bag of chips with a chain saw*," the Joker sang, in a folksy tone, to his captive audience. Then he seemed to become aware of Edward's presence. "Oh, finally... You do know it's rude to keep people waiting, don't you?"

"Who," Edward began but corrected himself. "What are you?"

In the blink of an eye the hovering spirit was standing right in front of Edward, its hand extended. "Joker's the name, and laughing's my game... Put 'er there."

Edward raised an eyebrow but, compelled by his thoroughly ingrained manners, extended his hand anyway. And then he felt the kick of a practical lightning bolt coursing through him.

"Oh, they always get a _charge_ out of this one," the joker quipped before releasing Edward's hand, and letting his sizzling body drop to the ground.

Of course, Edward recovered quickly. He bared his teeth at the ghost as he rose to his feet and prepared to pounce. However, the Joker had already disappeared again.

He almost immediately reappeared hovering behind the chain which connected the two girls. "What's the matter, Eddie... can't take a joke? Hmm, well, maybe you'll like the next punchline better. You see this chain? Well, I'm going to cut it, sending both of these lovely ladies to their doom. Of course, with your speed, I'm sure you can save one of them. So the real question is... which one will it be, Eddie boy, the love of your life... or your own daughter? Inquiring minds want to know."

"You're... you're mad."

"Just now figuring that out, are we? And here I thought you were suppose to be the smart one." The Joker shrugged. "Oh well, on with the game... One... B..." Suddenly the Joker's appearance shifted into that of a tall, bare chested Arabian, wielding a huge sword. "Hassaaaaaan CHOP!*"

And with that, the Joker brought his sword down, cleaving the metal chain in half. Edward only had a split second to decide. He could save one... but not both. And, though the thought pained him, he knew that there was really no choice at all. He couldn't live without his Bella; his love for her overpowered all other feelings, even those for his own daughter. Edward leapt at Bella, and knocked her away from the deadly chemicals.

Of course, Renesmee plummeted into her vat, and perished with a high pitched, blood curdling scream, one that tore at both of her parents' very souls.

Bella snapped free of her chains and laid a wallop of a right cross on Edward's jaw. "How could you do that?!" she cried in anger and pain; and then she collapsed into a weeping, mass of mush. The Joker was right; she hated her husband. For saving her and condemning their daughter to death, she hated him. And she hated their love for driving him to such a decision. But most of all, she hated herself, because some small, selfish part of her had actually felt relief when Edward's body impacted her own.

Bella wept for a few moments. Edward tried to go to her, to comfort her, but she could only push him away. And finally, he decided to just let her go through the grief. Standing a few feet back, he watched helplessly as his wife broke down completely.

Then he turned and spying the Joker, Edward felt an unprecedented rage grip him. He leapt at the clown, kicking, punching and biting like a rabid animal. But, the ghost simply went intangible and let the strikes flow through him like a fork through soup.

Meanwhile, Bella, continued to morn the loss of her daughter, the only daughter she could ever have. That was, until the grieving mother felt a light hand on her forehead and a familiar voice called to her. "M-Mommy, please stop crying."

"Renesmee!" Bella exclaimed, looking up into her daughter's face, a face that was once again free of scars. The mother tried to pull her daughter into a hug, but her arms passed right through the child's form. Still, Bella smiled broadly. Even if her daughter was now a ghost, at least she hadn't lost her completely.

It was then that the Joker appeared beside the two, causing Renesmee to go stiff as a board and silent as a grave. "Hmph," the Joker huffed. "Don't get too attached, Belly. When the sun rises, she vanishes into nothingness, just like the rest of us. Unless, of course there's a nexus around."

"A nexus?"

"Yes, there are those who bridge the gaps between worlds, though they are very rare." Leaning in and grinning, the Joker continued in a sly, suggestive tone. "Of course, there is a way for you to become a nexus yourself... all you need to do is drink the blood of one who is."

Seeing the look on Bella's face, the Joker felt positively gleeful. He knew that determination. To get her daughter back, the girl would do just that. Not only had he done irreparable harm to the girl's love, but he'd just caused her to turn her back on her 'vegan' ways as well.

She would find a nexus. Then she would kill him and feast on his blood. And then... then he'd be free to torment the American, faux vampires all year long. His plan had worked out perfectly, in every detail. Yes, for the Joker, death was good... and Halloween had always been his favorite holiday.

* * *

*Seras Sees Dead People reference

*Geist Kreig reference

*thatguywiththeglassesDOTcom reference

*Looney Tunes reference (come on, I HAD to get in at least one).

(Happy Halloween, and God bless.

Metropolis Kid.)


End file.
